SN8X Sitcom - The Hyser Family - Intro
June 30, 2016 - 11:13pm by Adam Dravian
In the commentary for Issue 3 Page 26, I talked about how the Hyser household (the house next to Eddie’s, where Alex and Heather live with their dad Patrick) would make a great focal point for a hypothetical ‘80s-style family sitcom set in the SN8X universe. It’d star Patrick Hyser as the goofy single dad karate expert, trying to juggle running a dojo, being a homemaker, and raising his two very different teenage daughters: Alex the martial artist tomboy, and Heather the preppy and popular cheerleader.
It was an amusing idea, so I thought it’d be fun to write what that sitcom would actually be like. So far, I’ve come up with the intro, which of course is mega important. Afterall, you can’t have a successful ‘80s sitcom without a great intro. And by great, I mean cheesy and sappy as fuck. I mean, just look at these:
I should note that I picture this sitcom taking place before the start of the comic, so Eddie would simply be the nerdy boy next door with no satanic ninja powers, and Dean and Veronica would still be a couple.
The Hyser Family Sitcom Intro:
A sickeningly saccharine and uplifting song begins as we see a shot of the Hyser House with Patrick standing in front of it with his two teenage daughters, Alex and Heather, on either side of him. They’re all smiling at the camera as the big white logo comes on screen:
THE HYSER FAMILY
Cut to a shot of Patrick doing a badass roundhouse and a front flip in front of his students at the Hyser dojo, then a shot of him at home doing laundry, which is really funny because that’s supposed to be a ladie's job but he no longer has a wife (what a loser!). He picks up an article of clothing from the laundry basket to examine it, but then his eyes get wide and he drops it as soon as he realizes that it’s Heather’s skimpy sexywear. Yikes! He looks at the camera and shrugs as we see his screen credit.
We see shots of Alex in her karate gi breaking 2x4s like a master, then a shot of her headbanging in her bedroom as she plays air guitar. She suddenly notices the camera and is embarrassed to be caught rocking out, but she gives a shy smile as her credit appears on screen.
We see a shot Heather cheerleading at a football game looking like a total babe, then a shot of her taking a bubble bath as she files her nails while talking on the phone. She looks at the camera and smirks as her credit appears on screen.
A shot of Alex in the Pizza Wizard Arcade, but the cabinet she’s trying to play seems broken. Suddenly, it starts working and she smiles. From behind the arcade cabinet peeks Trance, holding a screwdriver or something. He grins at the camera and gives a thumbs up as his screen credit appears.
Still in the arcade, we see a shot of Eddie approaching Alex with a slice of pizza in each hand, but someone sticks a foot into his path and he trips, falling on top of the pizza slices, getting his Dude Shinobi t-shirt all messy. He looks up at the camera, frowning with his glasses askew, but then his frown turns into a goofy smile as his screen credit appears.
The camera pans over to reveal the tripper, it’s Dean, looking like a total smug asshole. Next to him, looking torn between laughing and feeling bad, is Heather’s hunky but borderline retarded boyfriend Ryan. On the other side of Dean is Veronica, who’s laughing and causing her big boobs to jostle. Next to her is Tina, who’s shaking her head at Dean and Veronica with her arms akimbo. A screen credit appears for all four of them.
We see a shot of Grandma McCarthy at her home giving Snacky Love a bath. This is funny because Snacky Love is a pig, and giving a bath to a pet pig is outrageous! Grandma McCarthy smiles at the camera as the final cast credit appears, “Also featuring Grandma McCarthy and Snacky Love.”
We then cut to several fast shots of hijinks at the Hyser house, such as Patrick ironing his karate gi; Alex coming in from outdoors comically covered in dirt as Heather looks on, disgusted; Alex and Heather getting into a food fight as Patrick tries to break it up; Heather and Veronica in bikinis washing a sports car in the Hyser driveway while Ryan and Dean watch and give each other a high five; Alex and Eddie playing a video game in the living room as Heather shakes her head at what total dorks they are; Patrick pulling his two fueding daughters close to him for a three-way makeup hug; Alex and Trance eating snacks in the kitchen when Heather walks by in a sexy outfit, Trance stares at her until Alex playfully smacks his arm to snap him out of it; and finally a shot of Patrick, Alex, and Heather all sitting down at the dinner table together, showing that they’re capable of being a happy family sometimes. Aww!
So there's the intro. Maybe in another blog post I'll write an actual scene or two.